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. it gave me peace and confidence. It was my friend... how could it be bad? 'Sides, I never got violent like real drunks do. I just got sleepy, so sleepy. But warm, fuzzy.Carla came along, singing a song, even in my dreams I still imagine things — but I can't piece it together.Carla, my little beauty. My love. I lied to June — I hid things from her. But, Carla. No, I couldn't. I tried. I really tried. I cut back. Just drank beer. Yeah, sure! Carla my life.Then that night. I was on a bender... hadn't been home for two days. June came looking for me — found me — in back of Lenny's Tavern with the local bar slut. She saw my car. Wasn't sure. Opened the door. Started crying, crying, running, running away from me. Bar slut laughed and handed me the bottle. The next day I was in jail and June wouldn't come.She didn't ever come anymore. My sister called a lawyer for me from her home in Washington and he got me out on a misdemeanor "drunk in public" — no more, my sister said — and I moved to. My psychologist says that I have a "self-loathing" issue and that may be so, but I don't really care what he says. It fills a deep down need in me. I only have sex once a year, on Thanksgiving Day, and always with some drunken smelly guy who probably won't even remember who he had sex with by morning. He might not even realize that he had sex at all. But I would know, and I always made sure that they orgasmed and I always rubbed their spunk all over my tits and lick it from my fingers. Self-loathing that may be, but it gets me through the coming 12 months until I pluck up the courage to choose another homeless man for my pleasure. This little scenario has gone on year after year and I knew that it would never change. Then last year I had the surprise of my life. One, I might add, was of my own making. I was 41 then and I had to admit that this little Thanksgiving thing of mine was becoming a disgusting ritual. I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to do it again. I'd been working.
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